Steven The Babysitter
by sushigal007
Summary: Remember back just before S3 aired and we had a bunch of titles and we all tried to guess what they would be about? Well, when my daughter Blue and I saw the title 'Greg The Babysitter', we had some ideas about what the episode might be about. We were wrong.


"OK…" Steven narrowed his eyes thoughtfully as he considered his collection of DVDs. "We've watched all the Lonely Blade movies-"

"Melodramatic," Lapis concluded.

"Predictable," Peridot added.

"-All the Dogcoptor movies-"

"I liked the butt rockets," Lapis said.

Peridot shook her head. "Too unrealistic."

"-And all eight Larry Porter movies," he finished.

"The books were better," the two gems said in unison.

Steven looked disappointed by this barrage of bad reviews. "Sorry. I just thought you guys might enjoy those movies."

Peridot blinked in surprise. "What makes you think that we _didn't_?"

"Yeah," Lapis agreed. "They were dumb, but they were _fun_."

"Oh, OK." Steven visibly cheered up. He turned back to his DVDs and one caught his eye. "Ah! Triassic Park!" He held if aloft so that they could see the cover. "You guys are going to _love_ this one, I promise!"

The two gems peered closely at the cover, which featured some sort of lizard skeleton and not much else. "What's it about?" Lapis asked curiously as Peridot took the case and began reading the synopsis on the back.

"Scientists find a way to make dinosaurs and put them in an amusement park," the boy explained. "Like Funland! With dinosaurs!"

"I have to admit, dinosaurs would improve Funland a lot," Amethyst called up from the lower level where she was helping Pearl with the washing up.

"What's a dinosaur?" Lapis called back.

Amethyst licked old macaroni cheese from a saucepan and handed it over to Pearl before answering. "They're like, lizard monsters who used to live on Earth years ago. Before the war, even."

Garnet nodded. "Millions of years earlier. I think if the Diamonds had tried colonising the Earth when the dinosaurs were in charge, things might have gone very differently."

While this conversation was taking place, Peridot was still examining the DVD case. She scooted closer to Steven and tapped him on the shoulder. "Steven? What does 'PG-13' mean?"

"Hmm?" He looked down at the rating on the cover. "Oh, that just means you shouldn't watch it if you're younger than thirteen, unless a grown-up says you can."

"I see." She looked down at the case again. "And… hypothetically, what would happen if somebody younger than thirteen were to watch this movie without permission?"

"What does it matter?" Lapis butted in. "Steven's fourteen and we're all thousands of years old."

"Right. Of course." Peridot ducked her head, trying to hide the blush on her cheeks. "I just wondered. Hypothetically, of course!"

"Peridot?" Steven stared at her. "Is everything OK?"

"Of course!" Nervous sweat trickled down her face. "I was just, you know, curious about the consequences. Let's watch the movie!"

"Peridot?" Now Lapis was intrigued too. "You _are_ thousands of years old, aren't you?"

"Well…" She looked down at the floor. "Perhaps _thousands_ is slightly overstating matters-"

"How old are you?" Steven blurted out. "I mean, really?"

"Um…" She opened her mouth and shut it again. "I suppose if you want the _exact_ figures, I'm approximately… around about…" She started counting on her fingers. "Somewhere in the region of um, five."

Her words were met with dead silence.

"But that's in Homeworld years!" she quickly continued. "I'm _much_ older in your Earth years!"

" _How_ old?" Steven asked again.

"Ehhhhhhhhhleven," she admitted.

A plate slipped out of Pearl's hands and smashed to pieces.

"That's eleven hundred though, right?" Amethyst said, looking stunned.

Peridot shook her head. "Eleven."

" _Eleven_ eleven?" Amethyst shook her head. "Like, the eleven with two ones? _That_ eleven?"

"I have to admit, that's a little younger than I expected," Lapis said.

Garnet nodded slowly. "It explains a lot though."

"But…" Steven opened and shut his mouth a few times. "I thought all gems were thousands of years old!"

Peridot sighed in resignation. "Of course you did. Everything you know about gems, which, quite frankly, is very little, you learned from three isolated rebels on an abandoned colony. And one of those rebels is almost as ignorant as you are. No offense," she hastily added as the three main Crystal Gems glared at her.

"We told Steven - and Amethyst - everything we thought they needed to know," Pearl said through gritted teeth. "After five thousand years, it seemed safe to assume Homeworld weren't coming back."

"Whatever," Peridot said dismissively and Pearl almost snapped another plate in half. "My point is, all the gems you've been exposed to here on Earth are all thousands of years old. No new gems are being created, so it's logical that you would assume all other gems are as old as they are. But on Homeworld, new gems emerge from kindergartens every day. There are gems there who are _hundreds_ of thousands of years old, and then there are gems who only emerged hours beforehand."

"Whoa, seriously? _Hours?_ " Amethyst, who could count the number of gems she'd met in her entire life on one shapeshifted hand, was gobsmacked. Of course, some vague part of her had always sort of known new gems were still being made on Homeworld, but it hadn't been something she ever really stopped to think about, because until recently, Homeworld had simply never felt like a real place. "So, like, how many new gems get made a day?"

"Well…" Peridot hesitated, wondering just how much she should mention. It probably wouldn't be wise to admit that because of the resources shortage, many newly emerged gems too defective to function and were immediately purged. And because they were made with lower quality materials, those that did survive would not live anywhere near as long as their Era 1 counterparts. But thankfully, before she was forced to fudge the numbers, Garnet suddenly stood up.

"There are gem shards at the Science Fiction Exhibition at the Empire City Museum," she announced. "We need to find them before any of them can get into the costumes on display."

"What costumes have they got?" Steven asked warily, remembering Frybo.

"Exterminator, Dark Vadar, that guy with the knives and hockey mask from Nightmare on Friday the 13th," Garnet listed, tapping each name off on her fingers as she spoke. "And of course, Crying Angels and several Kaled cases from that British time travel show."

"Do they have Superdude?" Amethyst asked, looking interested. "'Cause if they do, we could just put a gem shard in that and let _him_ take care of it."

"That _could_ work," Pearl mused. "It would certainly be a better idea than having Steven take all his clothes off again."

"It was for the greater good," Steven solemnly explained as Lapis and Peridot turned to stare at him.

"There's no warp pad in Empire City," Garnet mused aloud. "Amethyst, we need a helicopter."

"Outside!" Pearl hurriedly added as Amethyst's gem began to glow.

"Spoilsport," Amethyst complained, but headed towards the door anyway. "Come on, you lot," she added to the group still sitting in the loft. "If you're not on the beach in five minutes, I'm going without you."

Lapis wrinkled her nose. "I think I'd prefer to fly by my-"

"Wait!" Steven shrieked. "What about Peridot?"

"What about Peridot?" Peridot asked suspiciously as everybody turned to stare at her.

"Well, obviously, she can't come with us," Steven said seriously. "She's only five!"

"Eleven," Peridot corrected.

"So?" Lapis said blankly. "Five, eleven, what does it matter?"

"She's much too young!" Steven folded his arms as all the gems continued to stare at him. "You guys wouldn't let me join you on missions until I was nearly thirteen, remember?"

"Really, Steven, this is ridiculous," Pearl scoffed. "Peridot may be younger than we thought, but she's a fully developed gem-"

"She stays," Garnet said abruptly.

"What!?" Peridot screeched in indignation. "This is outrageous, I am a fully grown gem and a certified kindergartener!"

"Heh, kindergartener," Amethyst snickered.

"Of course, we can't leave her here alone either," Garnet continued, ignoring Peridot's wordless splutterings of rage. "Steven, you'll have to babysit."

Steven nodded, the pride he felt at being given this responsibility cancelling out the pang of disappointment he felt at having to skip the mission. "My rates are ten bucks an hour," he said formally.

"We'll bring you back a souvenir," Garnet conceded as Lapis flew down and followed the rest of the Crystal Gems out of the front door. "Love you. Bye."

"Bye." Steven waved and watched her leave. Then he turned around to look at Peridot, who was glaring mutinously back at him. "OK. So…." He drummed his fingers thoughtfully on his chin, trying to think of an age-appropriate activity for them to do. "Would you like to play a board game?"

"No," Peridot said through gritted teeth.

"Are you sure?" He held up a box decorated with cartoon snakes and waggled his eyebrows. "We've got Slides and Ladders!"

"I would _like,_ " Peridot said, folding her arms, "to be treated like the mature and competent gem that I am."

"OK, yes, that's fair," Steven agreed. Peridot began to look less hostile. "But also… you're five-"

"Eleven!" she snapped.

"-which is far too young to be taking part in dangerous gem missions," he finished, a little patronisingly.

"I wasn't too young when you all chased me across the planet for months on end," she pointed out a little bitterly.

Steven sighed. "Well, we didn't know any better," he said, a little defensively. "But now we do!" He gave her a wide grin. "So you don't have to pretend to be something you're not any more, you can just be a kid!"

"But I'm _not_ a kid!" Peridot protested. "'Kid' is the informal name given to the human juvenile age stage- and also the goat one," she added as an afterthought. "But gems emerge from the ground fully-grown and retain their exterior appearance throughout their entire lifespan. There _is_ no juvenile age stage. Do you understand?"

"Of course." Steven nodded. "But just because you don't exactly _look_ like a kid, that doesn't mean you're _not_ one." He shook the board game again.

"But… but… argh!" She gave up and flung herself back onto the bed in frustration. Steven was clearly determined to have his own way here and she wasn't sure if she could be bothered to keep arguing with him. Even if she got him to admit he was wrong, Garnet had already ordered her to stay home. "Whatever. Let's just watch the stupid dinosaur movie," she grumbled.

"Oh, no, it's a PG- 13!" Steven looked shocked. "I'd need to ask Pearl or Garnet for permission. But," he added cheerfully, fiddling with the channels, "we do have Junior Nickelodeon!"

On the screen, a small cartoon pig in a dress oinked and jumped in a puddle, and Peridot felt her eye twitch. "You cannot be serious."

"Pepper Pig is a cultural icon," Steven said sternly. "You could learn a lot from her. Now!" He clapped his hands together. "I'll let you watch this for a few minutes while I gather up some materials so you can do finger painting and macaroni art."

Peridot watched him walk down the stairs and scowled. Fine. If Steven was going to treat her like a human infant, she would behave like a human infant.

xXxXx

Steven had just finished pouring dry macaroni into a bowl when his phone rang. "Hello? Hi Connie!"

Up in the loft, Peridot turned up the volume on the TV. Steven frowned slightly and turned his back on her. "No, the gems are out on a mission at the moment." The TV got a little louder, so he stuck a finger in his other ear to try and block it out. "I'm babysitting Peridot. Yeah… yeah… hold on." The noise got even louder, and he turned back around. "Peridot, can you turn that down please?"

"WHAT?" she shouted.

"CAN YOU TURN THAT DOWN PLEASE?" he repeated louder.

"WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU, THE TV'S TOO LOUD."

"CAN YOU- never mind." He turned around and stepped outside onto the deck. "Sorry, I have to go and set some boundaries. I'll call you later." He ended the call and stepped back inside. The television was still blaring loud enough to make the walls shake, so he walked up the stairs and stepped in front of the screen, hands on hips, and glared sternly at her. "Peridot, this is too loud, I'm going to turn it down." And with that, he turned around and pressed the button to lower the volume.

Peridot immediately responded by pointing the remote control at the television and turned the volume right back up again.

Steven sighed. "Look, if you can't watch television nicely, I'm going to have to turn it off." He stared at her for a moment longer. "Are you going to turn the volume down?"

"No," Peridot said flatly.

"Then no TV." He switched it off and then began heading for the stairs. "Come on, let's do some-"

"-ONE LOVES JUMPING UP AND DOWN IN MUDDY PUDDLES!" the television roared, and Steven almost fell down the stairs in fright.

Once he'd regained his composure, he stormed back over to the television and switched it off again. "I said no TV!"

"Yes, I heard you." Peridot smiled sweetly. "I just decided to ignore you. On purpose." And with that, she reached around him and switched it back on again.

"No!" Steven switched it off again, and then, for good measure, unplugged it and bubbled it. "I said, no TV!"

Peridot immediately threw herself onto the ground and began to scream.

"Peri-Peridot! Stop that!" Steven clapped his hands over his ears as the screaming continued. "Peridot! Stop screaming!" He glanced out of the window, half-afraid that somebody might hear and call the police; they were a fair distance from the town, but she was very loud and she didn't need to breath. "Peridot!"

The high-pitched banshee shrieking continued, and in desperation, he tried to clap his hand over her mouth, a solution that worked for almost a full second, until she bit him. "Ow!" He yanked his hand back and stared at her in dismay as she carried on screaming. "OK, OK! I'll bring back the TV! Just- stop screaming!" Without waiting for an answer, he leapt over the side of the loft and sprinted for the Temple gate. The door opened and he stepped into the soft, peaceful Rose Quartz room. "OK, that didn't go so well," he mumbled to himself. Still, maybe once he took the television back and she stopped screaming, he could convince her to come and do some painting. After all, she _liked_ art! "Room, I need to get to the basement, the real one again."

The clouds parted, revealing one of the veins belonging to the Crystal Heart. Nodding his thanks to the room, he slid down until he found himself in the Burning Room, surrounded by bubbles. "TV… TV… TV… aha!" He jumped up and caught hold of the bubble, being very careful not to accidentally pop it. Then he made his way back to the Temple gate and stepped outside. "All right, I brought back…"

The words died on his lips as he took in the scene before him. "Peridot, what are you doing!?"

Peridot smiled sweetly, her fingers hovering over the button that would switch on the open blender. "Meep morp." She hit the button and everything within a six foot radius was instantly covered in a mixture of flour, water and paint. "I call this one, 'juvenile'."

Steven was beginning to feel like screaming himself. "Why are you doing this!?"

"Isn't this what human infants do?" Peridot asked, her voice heavy with sarcasm. "Having never been one, I must admit I'm a little unsure, but from what I've seen on television, they're well known for their noise, mess, and…" She held out a hand and the bubbled television shot past Steven and into her hands. "Senseless destruction of property!"

"No, not the television!"

He was too late. The bubble burst and the television fell to the floor with a loud ' _bang_ ' that startled even Peridot. She peered down at the wreckage for a moment, before her eyes flickered up to meet his. Then, deciding it might be wise to vacate the area for the time being, she fled to the bathroom and slammed the door behind her.

"Peridot!" Steven yelled furiously. He jiggled the door handle, but it was well and truly locked. "This isn't funny any more! Get out here now and help me clean this up!"

"No!" Peridot yelled back. "Not until you cease treating me like a child!"

"You're _acting_ like one!"

"I didn't start acting like one until you insisted upon treating me like one!" she countered.

"Because!" Steven threw his hands in the air in exasperation. "You are _five!_ "

" _ELEVEN!_ " Enraged by his circular reasoning, Peridot turned the taps on in the bath and sink, and began pulling the towels off the rack.

"Peridot?" Steven raised his voice to be heard over the sound of running water. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing!" she shouted back, well aware that it was an annoying non-answer.

Sure enough, Steven could actually feel his blood pressure rising in response. "It doesn't _sound_ like nothing!" He waiting for an answer, but none came. He jiggled the door handle again. "Peridot, open the door!"

"No!"

"Argh!" He pulled at his hair in frustration before taking a deep breath to try and calm his nerves. He could see two options before him: break down the door and stop whatever she was doing, which was probably trying to flood that bathroom. The problem with that was that she'd probably bite him again and run off and cause more havoc somewhere else. The other option was to let her stay where she was while he cleaned the mess in the kitchen, but the problem with _that_ was that she probably really _would_ flood the bathroom, and then he'd have to clean that up too.

He was out of his depth. He needed help. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and quickly dialled a number, hopping impatiently from foot to foot until finally he heard his father's voice in his ear. "Dad! I need your help!" he blurted out at once.

"What's wrong?" Greg answered sharply.

"The gems asked me to babysit Peridot because she's five-"

"Eleven!" came the faint shriek from the other side of the door.

Steven ignored her and carried on talking. "-but she's gone mad! She wouldn't stop screaming, and then she made a huge mess in the kitchen and broke the TV and now she's locked herself in the bathroom and turned on the taps and I think she's trying to cause a flood and I can't get her to stop!"

There was a brief silence on the other end of the line as Greg almost choked to death trying not to laugh. "Sounds like you've got quite a situation going on there, Shtoo-ball," he said, once he'd managed to regain control of himself. "First thing you probably want to do, is turn off the water. The stopcock's under the kitchen sink, twist it as far as it'll go, and then turn on the kitchen tap to check," he instructed. "And I'll be right over."

"OK, thanks Dad," he said in relief, and ran back to the kitchen. Sure enough, inside the cupboard under the sink was a sort of twisty handle, and when he spun it and checked the kitchen tap, the water slowed to a trickle and then stopped. He heard a muffled squawk of outrage from the bathroom, then loud splashing noises. Evidently Peridot had decided to find another way to flood the bathroom. He decided to let her be for the moment, and began cleaning up the remains of the television before he tackled the revolting, painty, gluey mess she'd made.

Ten minutes later, there was a knock at the door and without waiting for an answer, Greg walked in. "Hey Steven."

"Dad!" Steven dropped the knife he'd been using to chisel the hardening paste from the wall and ran over to hug his father. "Thank goodness you're here!"

"No problem, kiddo. You sounded a little overwhelmed back there." Greg scanned the kitchen with a critical eye before concluding that while it was bad, he had seen worse. "So why don't you take a break for a minute and tell me what's going on, hmm?"

"Peridot's being a brat," Steven explained at once.

"Right." Greg nodded slowly. "Elaborate."

Steven sighed, but began again from the beginning. "-and then she dropped the TV and locked herself in the bathroom and turned on the taps, and that's when I called you," he finished.

Greg turned his head to look at the bathroom door. An ominous puddle was creeping out from underneath the doorway. "Is she still in there?"

"Yeah. I thought it was safer."

"You're probably right." Greg sat down on the sofa and patted the seat next to him, indicating that Steven should join him. "It seems the problem here is you and Peridot have very different ideas about how she should act her age," he said gently. "I know, I know, she's five. Well, eleven," he continued as Steven opened his mouth to object. "But you wouldn't call an eleven year-old dog a puppy, would you?" He quickly carried on talking, belatedly realising that yes, Steven probably would. "Gems aren't like us, they don't have a childhood. They pop out of the ground and go straight to work."

"Childhood is a modern concept," Steven objected. "In the Victorian times, children as young as five were employed as chimney sweeps. Connie lent me a book about a Victorian nursery maid," he added at his father's look of surprise. "So just because gems don't have a childhood, that doesn't mean they're right."

"No, true," Greg admitted. "You've got a point there. But Peridot isn't a Victorian child. She's an alien from another world, she isn't human. I mean, do you know what you spent the first few years of your life doing?"

Steven frowned, not exactly sure where his father was going with this. "Learning to walk and talk?"

"Right!" Greg looked pleased. "And learning to read and write and feed yourself and dress yourself. Not to mention, toilet training! But the gems, they were born knowing that stuff. Well, most of it," he amended, remembering that gems didn't generally eat or wear clothes or poop. "So you see, you can't treat Peridot like a regular five year-old human kid, because she skipped all the development and learning that five year-olds go through and went straight into flying spaceships and growing new gems for a living."

Steven bit his lip. He didn't want to admit it, but his father had a point. Still… "There's still no reason why she can't enjoy kid stuff now though, is there?"

"Not at all," Greg readily agreed. "By all means, if she wants to play board games or do colouring or dress up or…" His eyes flickered over to the kitchen cabinet, where the open bag of pasta still sat. "…Do macaroni art, that's great, encourage her! But you can't _force_ her to do that stuff. She may be five - or eleven - by our standards, but by gem standards, she was old enough to be treated like every other gem the moment she popped out of the ground."

"Eugh…" Steven flopped back against the sofa cushions. He felt rather silly. He'd heard Peridot say she was five (OK, fine, eleven) and his brain had immediately jumped to baby gems, even though he knew perfectly well that baby gems weren't a thing. "I guess I got carried away. I was just so excited when I realised I wasn't the youngest gem any more."

Greg laughed. "The power went to your head, huh?" He nodded over at the bathroom. "Go and apologise to her. Then you can both clean up this place before the gems get back."

Steven hopped to his feet and made his way back over to the bathroom door, leaning awkwardly to avoid the puddle as he knocked on the door. "Peridot?"

"I'm listening," she answered at once.

He realised she'd probably overheard the entire conversation, but he knew he had to properly apologise to her anyway. "I'm sorry I treated you like a little kid."

He heard the lock click and stepped back as the door opened and a small wave of water escaped and ran over his toes. "Then I'm sorry I behaved like one," Peridot said formally. "And I'm especially sorry I broke the television. I'll do my best to repair it."

Steven peered around her at the mess in the bathroom and winced. The toilet was full of towels, the sink was overflowing and the entire floor was soaked. And to make matters worse, she'd painted the walls with his toothpaste and shampoo. "Actually, the TV's all bubbled and out of the way for now. It'd probably be a better idea if you started cleaning up in here. The gems - well, Pearl - will freak if they get back and see it in this state."

"Ah. Right." Peridot grimaced, wishing she hadn't done such a good job of trashing the bathroom. "I suppose I'll do that."

"And I'll finish cleaning the kitchen." Steven turned to look at his father. "Are you going to go back to the carwash now?"

"What, are you kidding me!?" Greg scoffed, opening his arms wide and gesturing at the entire house. "And leave you two kids alone!? No way, _clearly_ you need a actual, adult babysitter here!"

xXxXx

"Finished!" Steven wiped his brow and tossed the paint-stained cloth in a basket with the soggy bathroom towels that were waiting to be taken up to the washing machine. "I had no idea babysitting was so tiring. Or messy."

"When you were seven months old, you decorated the interior of the van with the contents of your diaper," Greg said serenely. "So it could've been worse."

"Ewww." Steven shuddered. "I did not need to know that."

"I think I could've done without ever hearing that information as well," Peridot piped up from the loft, where she was fiddling with the television's internal circuitry. "And I can safely say I'm very glad gems do not need to expel waste like humans do."

"Did someone say 'expel waste'?" Amethyst kicked the door open and strolled inside, closely followed by the other Crystal Gems. "Because I gotta go."

"Guys!" Steven jumped to his feet and ran to hug them. "How did it go? Was everything OK?"

"Everything was fine, Steven," Pearl reassured him. "The gem shards got into several Stormtrooper outfits, so nobody was hurt."

"We brought you one back," Lapis added, dragging the bulky costume through the door. "Because it's like one of your toys. But bigger."

"Oooooh!" Steven's eyes lit up in delight. "I can't believe they let you guys just have one!"

"Well," Garnet clarified, "nobody stopped us." She reached over and ruffled his hair. "So… how did it go?"

Steven tilted his head up to give her an accusing look. "You probably already know, don't you?"

"I have some idea," she admitted with a smile. "I thought it would be more effective than simply trying to explain that gems don't age like humans."

"You could've tried," he complained. "Then I wouldn't have had to spend an hour cleaning paint and paste off of the kitchen wall."

"I could've," she said mildly. "But I didn't. Why don't you go and watch your dinosaur film now?" she suggested, quickly changing the subject. "Peridot's finished fixing the television now."

He nodded and ran up the stairs to his room, where Peridot was indeed just plugging the television back in. Lapis flew up to join them and flopped back onto the bed. There was a strange crunching noise, and she frowned and pulled back the covers. "Steven? Why is your bed full of macaroni pasta?"

-FIN-

I know, this is more Steven the Babysitter than Greg the Babysitter, but quite honestly, even though we theorised that the episode would be that Greg would be asked to babysit because the gems found out Peridot was very young and Steven was worried about her going on missions, Blue just likes Steven better than Greg, so when we were very wrong and I decided to write this anyway, Steven ended up doing the bulk of the babysitting. And really, Steven would be the one to go overboard at the prospect of child gems, while Greg knows perfectly well by now that gems just don't work like that, so he wouldn't be anywhere near as patronising, even if he was the one asked to look after Peridot.

So as you've probably worked out by now, despite what Lapis said in The New Crystal Gems, I do not believe for one minute that Peridot is thousands of years old and I really don't think she's much older than ten. They can _say_ it until they're blue in the face (pun absolutely intended), but everything they've _shown_ us so far suggests that Peridot is very, very young indeed and they're going to have to work much harder to convince me otherwise.


End file.
